


Behind the Smile

by Hidlesworth



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Marvel Avengers Movies RPF, Thor (Movies) RPF
Genre: Angst, Bullying, But Tom is alright though, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nothing grafic but may still be triggering, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con References, Sexual Abuse, almost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-02
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-23 10:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/621149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hidlesworth/pseuds/Hidlesworth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a press conference the topic of backgrounds comes up and the group soon focus their interest in Tom Hiddleston's years spent in an all boys school.  However, when Tom rushes out of the room in panic they realise that something is seriously wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A fill on the norsekink meme. I don't claim any medical accuracy nor any real life resemblance to any of the character's life. I wrote this because of the challenge.
> 
> I'm dyslexic and not a native English speaker. I have checked this through but there will be spelling and grammar error. If you find anything, feel free to tell me :)
> 
> WARNING! This might be triggering. If you might be triggered then please proceed with caution.

“No way! So you had to wear those weird hats all day or what?” Jeremy asked.

“No that’s Harrow. I went to Eton. I only had to wear a uniform.” Tom answered and sipped his tea. 

Tom, Jeremy and the other Avengers actors sat in a private room backstage. Earlier that afternoon there had been a press conference and the topic of backgrounds and school years had come up and Tom had revealed that he had attended an all boys private school. Naturally, after some teasing about Robert studying ballet, the general interest of the group (or Jeremy) had been Tom’s life at an all boys school. 

“Isn’t that the place where that Cucumber guy came from?” Robert said as he sat down on the empty chair next to Jeremy, a cup of coffee in his hands.

“Oh, you mean Cumberbatch?” Tom let out a laugh and nearly split his tea. “Yeah, I think so.” 

“Yeah yeah whatever.” Robert waved his hands dismissively. “Enough about him. Now tell me? How the fuck did you stand growing up without any girls around.”

“I did have my sisters you know.” Tom said.

“They don’t count.” Chris Hemsworth said as he collapsed down in one of the couches, his weight making Scarlett bounce an inch into the air. “Sorry.” He added sheepishly but Scarlett only laughed. 

“Well I guess when you don’t have any girls around you don’t miss them. And besides, we had holidays.” Tom shrugged and shifted a bit to the right in order to make room for Mark who happily took a seat. 

“You didn’t get up to any shenanigans with the boys then?” Jeremy asked and wiggled his eyebrows. 

“I’m sorry?” Tom straightened uncomfortably in his seat and gave Jeremy a confused look. 

“You’ve got mean skills with the ladies. That had to come from somewhere. I don’t know, maybe you practised a bit with the other boys?” Robert grinned.

“Hey isn’t that what Japan is all about, two school boys falling in love and stuff like that?” Chris Evans interjected. 

“Oh Chris? Gay manga? I had no idea!” Robert said in false scandalising before bursting out laughing at the blush creeping up Chris’s ears.

“I’m not Captain America guys. I know about... stuff.” Evans weekly defended himself as the rest of the group chuckled.

“Whatever you say Chris.” Scarlett snickered. 

“No but seriously. There had to be some making out or whatever.” Robert asked when everyone had calmed down. 

Tom let out a nervous laugh and shook his head. “No. there weren’t any making out.”

“You have to remember he’s british.” Jeremy fake whispered to Robert. “It’s called snogging.”

“Oh right sorry. Let me rephrase that.” Robert cleared his throat before asking in a over the top british accent: “Did it occur any snogging?” 

“No, guys.” Tom put down his teacup and scratched his left hand lightly with his right. 

“Mr Downey! Keep your decency.” Jeremy scolded in the same accent. “Can’t you see you’re bothering the poor lad?” 

“I do apologize Mr Renner.” Robert said and took Jeremy’s hand in his own and stared him deep into the eyes. ”Perhaps you would be so kind and offer me a snog?” 

“Me?” Jeremy asked and fluttered his eyelashes, although it looked more like he had something stuck in his eye. “You flatter me Mr Downey.”

“Do call me... Robert.”

Chris Hemsworth, who had been stifling a giggle for the past minute, practically roared with laughter as Jeremy pretended to swoon. The rest of the group soon followed, no one noticing Tom’s uncomfortable squirming or shifting.

“Okay that’s enough guys.” He tried but his words were drowned by the laughter. 

“But it is forbidden.” Jeremy continued, doing a perfect imitation of a maiden in distress.

“My love knows no boundaries.” Robert countered and took hold of Jeremy’s face between his hands. With a mischievous smirk he dived in and kissed an unexpecting Jeremy full on the lips. The room broke into new laughters as Jeremy struggled under Robert. When Jeremy finally managed to get Robert off him he almost fell off the couch in his giggle fit. 

“Robert!” He squealed before breaking into a new fit of giggles. “Robert. How dare you!” He managed to force out in the british accent before doubling over again, wheezing: “I can’t do it” between breaths. 

After a minute the group had calmed down enough enough to resume some kind of normal conversation. Chris looked over to his left to make sure that Tom hadn’t taken ill of their teasing when he noticed Mark was alone on the couch.

“Hey? Where did Tom go?” He asked and a second later a door slammed shut.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this might be triggering.

Tom was sure the only reason for reaching the sink before throwing up was only sheer dumb luck. Gripping the porcelain tightly with both his hands he tried to calm his breathing. They didn’t know. Robert didn’t know. Jeremy didn’t know. They were just fooling around. They didn’t know. 

He drew another deep breath but this time it came out as a choked sob instead of an exhale. With a desperate wine he moved to the next sink and splashed cold water on his face, hoping that the shock would make him snap out of it. He took another composed breath before looking up into the mirror. 

The reflection in the mirror wasn’t him though, it was a fifteen year old Tom. Eyes wide with horror and curly hair in a disarray. NO! No he was 30 years old. Not fifteen and he was safe here. He closed his eyes and held his breath for a few seconds but when he reopened his eyes the image in the mirror was still of his fifteen year old self. 

“TOM?” A voice floated in from outside the door and Tom froze. It was them! He needed to hide. Now! The small part of his brain that was still working rationally told him that it was only Chris and that there was nothing to worry about but Tom couldn’t hear that part over the panic in his head.

He could feel hands, _their hands_ , moving on his body and stumbled backwards in desperation to get away. His back hit something hard and when he turned around he could see the row of cubicles lining one of the wall in the public bathroom. Thinking it was his only way out he ripped the door of the cubicle furthest from the rest room door open and dived inside. His hands were shaking as he forced the look shut. Knowing that he wasn’t safe yet he slid down in the corner behind the toilet and curled up into a ball.

When the rest room door slammed open Tom had to bite his lip to stop the panicked scream that would have escaped him otherwise. They couldn’t know he was here! 

“Tom! Are you in here?” The voice called and Tom wished with all his heart that please. Please, please please don’t let them find him. 

“Tom!” Another voice called and he could hear several footsteps walk into the bathroom. 

“He’s here. Look.” Another voice said and there were a murmur of approval. Tom’s throat felt too tight and his vision were blurry with tears but he didn’t dare to wipe them away incase he made a noise. Why hadn’t he washed away the sick? Of course they were going to find him. 

“Tom. We know you’re in here.”

Tom bit his lips as tears started to fall. They weren’t going to go away. Then knew he was in here and they would not stop searching until they found him. Oh god he was so scared. 

“Tom?” The voice asked again but it was much closer this time. Holding back his sobs Tom slowly moved his arms and pressed his hands to his ears. The voices were much quieter now and even though Tom knew they were still there the fact that he couldn’t hear everything they said comforted him.

He could hear the voices talking, discussing something, but he couldn’t make out the words. There was a mocking knock on the door and Tom held his breath, hoping that he could remain hidden a while longer, if it were only for a minute. The voice said something affirmative and there were another murmur before something slammed into the cubicle next to his. 

A panicked noise left Tom’s lips and he desperately clamped his hands over his mouth.

“Tom? Is that you?” The voice asked and knocked on his door. Why couldn’t they just get on with it? Why did they have to do this whole routine of finding him and forcing him into revealing himself. 

“Tom. Open the door.” The voice demanded and Tom could picture the person outside perfectly in his mind. The sly smile, the snickering. Everything. And it hurt so much? Why him? Why did they have to go after him?

“Tom. Open the door or we will have to break it.” The voice stated calmly, almost sounding tired but Tom couldn’t have unlocked the door if he so wanted, his frozen muscles keeping him firmly in place. He could feel himself almost hyperventilating.

There was a loud bang as someone threw themselves at his cubicle door and Tom screamed.

The restroom quieted down after that, the only sound in the entire room being Tom’s hysterical sobs.

“Out of the way.” The second voice suddenly growled and Tom could hear someone fiddling with the lock and suddenly the door swung open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are very welcomed <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank's so very much for the response guys :D Hope you like this new chapter.

”Where did he go?” Mark wondered and looked around the room.

“I don’t know mate? You think he might have been offended?” Chris rose from his seat on the couch and took a step towards the door.

“Maybe. I don’t know. It was only a joke. I didn’t mean to offend him.” Jeremy shrugged but had the decency to look a little guilty.

“We should probably go after him.” Scarlett suggested and after a murmured approval the group head out to look for Tom.

“Tom” Chris called as he turned the corner. The corridor were a dead end but on either side there was a door leading into a restroom, one for women and one for men.

“Do you think he can be in the restroom?” Robert asked and a second later a there was a loud crash from within the restroom. 

“Probably.” Evans mumbled, walked up to the door and opened it. 

“Tom! Are you in here?” He called and looked behind the door. The restroom looked empty but he couldn’t see if there was someone in the cubicles or not.

He moved forwards and the other followed, Hemsworth calling out for Tom again. Mark and Scarlett walk up into the cubicles and looked for a locked one and Robert moved to the sinks lining the wall opposite the cubicles. 

“He’s here. Look.” Robert said with a strangled voice and moved a few steps back. The others gathered around the sink and each one turned away in disgust. The sink was full of sick, fresh sick. Jeremy’s stomach knotted with guilt and he swore to apologize deeply to Tom when they found him. He and Rob had obviously offended him a lot.

“Tom. We know you’re in here.” Hemsworth called, silently asking Scarlett with his eyes if she had seen anything. She shook her head in answer and Chris’s worry grew by another notch.

The group moved quietly around the room, Jeremy hovering uncertainly by the door, Robert, Scarlett and Mark searching the sinks and mirrors and the two Chrises looking at the cubicles. In the quiet room a small sound reached Evans ears. Something that might be...sniffles? Yes? No? Maybe. 

“Tom?” He asked and yes, those were definitely sniffles coming from the last cubicle. “Guys. I think he’s in here.” 

The rest of the group turned and looked at him.  
“I. I hear sobs.” He pointed sheepishly at the cubicle. The others moved forwards and sure enough, when everybody kept quiet they could clearly hear the sobs coming from within. 

“What should we do?” Scarlett asked quietly. “Knock?”

Mark brought his fist up and, after a moment of hesitation, knocked lightly on the door. 

“Tom?” He asked. The sobs stopped a second later and Marked turned around with a worried look. 

“I think he’s in there.” Evans said.

“Oh fuck it’s my fault.” Robert sighed and turned around. “Fuck! I shouldn’t have asked him.” He paced back and forth for a few seconds before turning towards the cubicles and kicking it violently.

A terrified yelp escaped Tom’s cubicle and the group turned and glared at Robert who quietly swore. 

“Tom? Is that you?” Hemsworth asked and knocked on the door. The sobs had started again and feeling more than a little useless placed his hand on the door as if he could reach out and console Tom through the door.

“Tom. Open the door.” He pleaded. The sobs were louder now and the breath’s in between was too erratic and shallow. 

“We’ll have to break the lock or he’s probably going to faint.” Mark told him. Chris answered him with a curt nod and took a deep breath.

“Tom. Open the door or we will have to break it.” Chris told Tom in what he hoped was a soothing voice. Nothing happened and Chris turned around and Mark gave him a hesitant nod. He squared his shoulders and took a step back before ramming his shoulder into the cubicle door.

A strangled scream sounded through the rest-room and then the only noise in the room was Tom hysterical sobs. 

Jeremy sighed behind them and moved forwards.

“Out of the way.” He ordered and kneeled down in front of the locked door, fishing up a coin from his pocket while doing so. With the precision of a surgeon he inserted the coin in the small notch left for the screwdriver and twisted his wrist. The coin slipped from the notch two times and finally, after some quiet swearing from Jeremy’s part, the lock clicked open on the third try. Holding his breath, he stood up and pushed the door open, hoping that he was prepared for what he would find inside.

He wasn’t.

Tom had tried to hide by squeezing himself into the corner between the toilet and the cubicle wall. He looked so very small curled up into a little ball, his knees drawn tight to his chest and his arms protecting his head. They could all see him shaking, practically vibrating from the violent sobs. 

“Tom.” Hemsworth quickly moved forwards by at the sound of his own name Tom curled even tighter and whimpered, trying to get away from some kind of unknown threat. 

“Tom, it’s me! Chris.” He tried again and moved further into the small stall. Behind him both Mark and Scarlett had begun moving forwards. Chris gently placed a hand on Tom’s shoulder, causing the frightened man to flinch hard and hit his head on the wall. 

Shocked and confused at Tom’s reaction Chris tried again to touch, and by doing so, console the crying man, but the reaction was the same. A violent flinch and this time Tom actually lashed out, trying to push Chris away.

“Every body out of the cubicle.” Evans suddenly said calmly. “He’s having a panic attack.”

“Well then we can’t just leave him here.” Scarlett spat at him. She knew she shouldn’t take out her anger on Evans but she was scared and she felt useless and she just had to be angry at someone.

“Yeah. We can’t leave him here.” Mark reasoned, gesturing meaningly at the whimpering man on the floor.

“Out. Of. The. Cubicle.” Evans’s voice was still calm but now there was a hidden authority in his voice that none of the actors had ever heard him use. 

Still uncertain, Mark, Hemsworth and Scarlett moved out of the cubicle, allowing Evans to move in and sit down close, but not uncomfortably so, close to Tom. 

“Hey Tom.” Evans said and the others observed with confused looks as he repeated the statement a few times, each time just as calmly. Tom was still whimpering and crying on the floor, hiding his face in his knees, but he was no longer lashing out.

Hemsworth was just about to open his mouth and say that this wasn’t working when Evans said “Hey Thomas.” and Tom’s head shot up to look at him. Scarlett gasped at the sight of Tom. He was pale as a ghost and looked terrified.   
The others also looked away but Evans just smiled peacefully and murmured “That’s it.” 

“Hey Thomas.” He repeated. “I’m Chris. I’m here to protect you. You’re safe. There’s no one here who can hurt you.” He said in a soothing tone, smiling calmly and showing holding up his hands in the universal sign of surrender.

Tom was still crying so hard he was shaking but his eyes were fixed on Evans. 

“Do you understand Thomas. I’m here to protect you. No one can hurt you. You’re safe.” He repeated and after almost a minute of Evans repeating “You’re safe.” he nodded minutely. 

“That’s good. You’re safe here Thomas.” Evans moved an inch forwards. “Can I touch you Thomas. I promise I won’t hurt you.” He asked, hands still raised at his sides.

There was another pause before Tom nodded again. 

“Thank you.” Evans told him before slowly reaching forwards and untangling Tom’s fingers from his hair. Tom’s hands were grabbing hard around his wrists but Evans ignored the pain and looked Tom in the eyes again.

“You’re doing really good Thomas.” He said before shifting so he was seated on his knees in front of Tom. 

“Can you breathe with me Thomas?” He asked. “Like this.” He took a deep breath, held it for a second and then exhaled. Tom just stared, still sobbing hysterically, as Evans did the breathing exercise on his own for a minute before he inhaled deeply at the same time as Evans.

“That’s it. You’re doing really good.” Evans praised. “Breathe with me again.” He urged and the pair continued to breathe together, holding their breath for a moment longer each time.

“How can he be so good at that?” Robert murmured as they watched Tom slowly calm down. 

“He’s got anxiety he too you know. Probably had to deal with some panic attacks himself.” Mark whispered back. 

Tom’s hiccuping sobs had subsided to quiet sniffles after a few minutes and Evans was feeling confident that Tom’s panic attack or flashback, he still wasn’t sure what, was over and he would emerge soon. 

At that moment Tom gasped, grabbing hold of Chris’s biceps and holding them in an iron grip. 

“Tom! Tom. Hey there buddy.” Evans knew he sounded like he was talking to a child but from his experiences it was to prefer from a ‘good you’re back mate’ and a clap on the back.

“Chris?” Tom sounded confused. “Chris are- are.” He was beginning to sound panicked again. “Are- are- are- them-”

“Shh. Tom. It’s okay. You’re safe. No one’s gonna hurt you.” Evans consoled, prying Tom’s hands from his arms. Tom nodded, not believing Evans to 100 percent.

“Did. I-.” Tom swallowed and breathed slowly through his nose. “What happened?” 

Evans cleared his throat and shifted a little on the cold floor. “I’m not sure but I think you had a flashback or something. We found you in here.” He gestured to the cubicle with his head. “You were crying and panicking.” Evans watched as Tom diverted his eyes, blushed and turned away. He knew how it felt, the humiliation and shame that filled you after something like that. 

Tom nodded once and Evans took it as his queue to help Tom up and leave the cubicle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are lovely <3
> 
> If you like this story then you might like my other story. It's called Hearts of Ice and it's a figure skating AU :) Check it out


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I was supposed to upload this yesterday but I simply forgot and didn't remember until I was half asleep, and then it was too late. So, sorry dears. I hope I can make it up with the longest chapter so far :D

Neither of the Avengers actors saw Tom for three whole days after the incident in the restroom. They had talked about it, not much. Just small mentions of Tom’s absence and if it was connected to his flashback and what could have triggered the flashback. The actors hadn’t told anyone else though, not wanting to give away some secret that the public shouldn’t know of. 

On the third day Chris Hemsworth got a phone call from a tired sounding Tom asking him if he could use his hotel room that afternoon with the motivation that: he needed somewhere he could walk away from. Chris had tried to get Tom to tell him what it was all about but Tom had sounded so absentminded and lost he soon gave up. 

And that’s how he found himself with a Tom doing yoga exercises in front of his TV, a Scarlett, Jeremy and Mark looking uncomfortable on his couch, an Evans in the bathroom and a late Robert later that afternoon. 

The moment Robert knocked on the door Tom’s head flew up and he quickly scrambled to seat himself opposite Scarlett, Jeremy and Mark. Chris gave him an apprehensive look before opening the door and greeting an oddly quiet Robert. Robert gave him a questioning look but Chris could only shrug in answer. 

They made their way to the couches as Evans reentered the room and made his way to the one empty armchair. 

Tom nervously ran his hand through his hair before swallowing hard. “I’ve decided that you need to know... why I- I.” He took a deep breath and then forced out the next words in one quick exhale. “Why-I-panicked-in-the-restroom.” He cleared his throat and shifted awkwardly on the couch. 

The other occupants of the room stared at Tom in silence only to revert their eyes when he looked up. 

“You don’t have to.” Mark said.

“I know, but I want to. I think you need to know. For- for all of our sakes. And my therapist said that if I-I wanted to I should... Tell you that is.” Tom rushed out. 

The Tom in front of them right now were far from the Tom they were used to. There were no confidence, no smile playing on his lips, no sparkle in his eyes. Chris Hemsworth quickly decided that he didn’t like this Tom. This wasn’t the Tom he had gotten to know. 

Guilt twisted in his stomach. It was selfish, to wish that this Tom would just disappear and the other Tom would come back. This was probably the real Tom, or at least a part of the real Tom, and he couldn’t just pick and choose which part Tom could be or not be.

“I- When- During my-” Tom tried to start and then took a deep breath. He ran a shaking hand through his hair before clasping his hands together, trying and failing to hide the tremors running through him. 

“Tom really. It’s okay.” Scarlett leaned forwards and reached out to put a comforting hand on Tom’s knee but the actor flinched away.

“No! No I- When I was 13 my parents divorced.” Tom said with a determined voice. “The same year was my first year at Eton. I guess I was an easy target or something, or that’s what my therapist tells me, because there were these group of boys, two years older than me, who- who. Well who-. “ He took a breath and began scratching his left hand, leaving long red lines on his alabaster skin. 

“They bullied me.” He forced out. “A lot. I-I had a hard time getting friends because they would always be there and ruin it for me.” There was anger in Tom’s voice now. “They ruined everything and they- they-” The anger disappeared as quickly as it had come and Tom quieted, still scratching at his hand. 

“This continued for two years, m-more or less, and then when- when.” He shifted. “ They... I-I was 15 and they-” His breath hitched and Tom looked down, breathing slowly and controlled through his nose. Suddenly he looked up and past the occupants on the couch opposite him, appearing to almost stare out through the wall.

“I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 and then sexually abused for a year by my bullies.”

The silence hung like a choking fog in the room. Evans found that he couldn’t breathe properly and judging by how Robert was almost gasping next to him he wasn’t the only one. Tom’s shoulders were shaking slightly and he was pressing a hand hard to his mouth. Evans wondered if there was something he could say to make things better but came up blank, he didn’t have a voice anyway so he gave up on the idea.

Mark had slung an arm over Scarlett’s shoulders and she was obsessively wiping away tears from her eyes. Beside Mark Jeremy were staring intensely at his knees, biting his lip. Hemsworth’s hand were hovering over Tom’s shoulder uncertainly, his eyes fixed on the shaking actor. 

“I’m- I’m so very sorry. Fuck. I had no idea Tom. Oooh fuck. I am so so so sorry.” Robert said, shaking his head and swearing under his breath. Tom just nodded, his eyes still squeezed shut and his hand pressed hard against his mouth. Jeremy nodded along, wishing the ground would just swallow him whole. He had never felt so bad in his entire life. He couldn’t begin to imagine how it had felt for Tom to see Robert forcibly kiss him. The image of Tom crying hysterically in the restroom was etched into his retina and whenever he closed his eyes that was all he could see. 

After a minute Tom removed his hand from his mouth and said with a thick voice. “I needed you to know because...” His voice broke and he took another deep breath. “Triggers.” 

The room nodded in silent understanding.

“If there’s any questions. Now is your chance. The moment we set foot outside this room this will never be spoken of again unless I initiate it.” Tom said after another minute, his voice steadier but still raw and thick.

“Why did they stop? Did you go to the police?” Mark asked, because he needed to know. He needed to know if those bastards were still out there or if they were behind bars. He needed to know if Tom’s suffering had been given justice.

“They graduated. It all stopped after that. The police doesn’t know. Almost nobody knows, and it will stay that way.” There was a threat clearly heard in Tom’s answer.

“But what if you panic?”

“No one will know!” Tom almost shouted. Staring intently at the group. “It doesn’t matter if I panic, or don’t show up for some meeting or whatnot, or space out for hours or wake up screaming. No one will know.” His voice rose in pitch as he spoke and by the end of the sentence it broke several times. “It’s important.”

“We promise.” Scarlett forced out, promising herself at the same time that if any of the people in this room told a soul then morals be damned. The would pay for it. 

Tom took a few shuddering breaths and whispered a small “thank you”.

“How.” Mark cleared his throat. “What are your triggers?” 

“Don’t talk about Eton. Don’t grab me from behind, or at all when I’m not prepared. Don’t talk about r-” Tom’s words died on his tongue and the britt turned an impossible shade paler. “Don’t talk about r-” He tried again but once again his mouth seemed to stop cooperating. 

“Rape.” Jeremy supplied and Tom turn his eyes upon him, blinking away tears while he nodded a thank you at Jeremy. 

The actor found that he had to turn away. Tom’s eyes had been filled with so much pain and so much confusion that it physically hurt Jeremy. He couldn’t even begin to comprehend the effort it had to take Tom to not break down in front of them again, and he felt bad about it. He felt bad about having lived a life without any bullying and about never been in a situation where he felt threatened. He somehow blamed himself for living a life without pain when Tom had lived one with so much. 

Tom took a gasping breath and brought a shaking hand up to wipe his eyes. He inhaled deeply one and exhaled shakily and then repeated the procedure for a few breaths.

“So that’s all-” His voice broke and his mouth worked wordlessly for a second before he continued. “All you need to know.” 

The group in the room nodded, all feeling like their stomachs would implode any second. Mark’s left hand were stroking Scarlett’s arm comfortingly, although if it were to comfort himself or her he didn't know, while his other were fiddling with a newly discovered hole on his jeans. Hemsworth were still torn between pulling Tom into a hug and hide him from the world or fleeing the room, pretending that this conversation had never happened so he could continue with his happy little life of oblivion. 

Tom continued to heave shaking breath but with each time they became more and more shallow. His shaking hands were alternating between scratching long red painful looking lines at his left hand and fisting his jeans, trying to stop the shaking.

When the first sniffle came Chris gave in and pulled Tom close to him, hushing a little like he used to do with India. For a second Tom tried to turn away but then the first sob came and soon Chris found himself with a shaking Britt in his arms. Chris gently placed a hand on the back of Tom’s head and guided the crying man so he was pressed against his chest, hidden and secure. With his other hand he grabbed hold of Tom’s legs and draped the across his lap all while humming soothingly. 

In his arms Tom heaved sob after sob, crying out tears of pain that Chris knew would never end. Not really. The hurt would still always be there, buried beneath the happy persona of Tom, no matter how much he cried or how long there would still be tears left to shed. Chris felt tears burn in his own eyes at the thought of Tom’ suffering. How the man had turned out the way he did was a mystery to Chris but he choose not to ponder on it, instead focusing on how strong Tom was to have survived this long and how lucky they were to know someone like Tom. 

Tom was still crying inconsolably into his chest, his hands fisted in the fabric of Chris’s shirt, almost like a small child. And a small child he did resemble, at least in the eyes of Mark. Somehow the Tom they knew had disappeared and in his mind there were a fifteen year old Tom crying his eyes out, confused and hurt and angry but at the same time so scared. Scared that the nightmare he had been trapped in at that age would continue forever and that no one would ever notice a thing. 

At that moment it hit Mark like a truck. Tom probably thought it was his fault. He would always apologize for everything, even though it wasn’t something to apologize for. The Tom they had gotten to know probably didn’t do it from fear but from habit, but that habit had to come from somewhere. The fifteen year old Tom, scared and abused, probably apologized for everything just to make sure no one would get angry with him. Somewhere in his mind Tom probably thought he was to blame for what had happened to him. 

Filled with an overwhelming need to stop Tom from blaming himself Mark untangled his arm from Scarlett, rose and walked with determined step to Tom. Dropping to his knees in front of the crying englishman and took one of his hands. Tom flinched at first but then turned his tear streaked cheeks towards the older actor.

“Tom. This isn’t your fault.” Mark told him, clutching Tom’s hand in his like a lifeline, like it was the only way to get through to him. “It will never be and it never was. Do you hear me?”

“I know.” Tom whispered and Mark was surprised at how aware Tom was about his surroundings. “I know Mark.” 

Feeling both reassured and a bit numb Mark sank down on the floor in front of the couch and began stroking Tom’s hand with his thumb, smearing blood from where his nails had broken the skin and feeling old scars from where he probably had scratched for too long and too deep. 

After a few more minutes of quiet crying Tom composed himself and moved away from Chris’s lap. His eyes were red and puffy and he was still shaking ever so slightly but Jeremy had to admit that he did look better now than before his cry. 

With a few more sniffles Tom rose, thanked them for listening, told them he would like to be alone for a few days and then left the room. 

The moment the door closed both Chris hemsworth and Scarlett broke down into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are lovely <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter guys. I'm not 100% pleased with it but I have decided to just let that go. Enjoy :)

It took a week for the haunted, dead look to disappear from Tom’s eyes and be replaced by his normal 5000 gigawatt smile.

If he were to be completely honest with himself Chris Hemsworth had expected Tom to be more... victimy when he returned to himself. He was prepared for a Tom that was afraid of everything, uncertain with himself, constantly nervous and twitchy. He was not prepared for the confident, overly cheerful, constantly apologizing, touchy feely, ordinary Tom to return. 

After a few days of having Tom giggling to silly jokes, quoting shakespeare and teasing the other actors only to apologize right after Chris realized that Tom wasn’t pretending, as he had first thought. No, this was Tom as he had always known him, happy and enjoying life to the fullest. Although he wondered why? Tom had had one of the worst teenage years one could ever had and it hadn’t affected him at all? What if he had lie- Chris refused to finish that sentence. Because hell no. Tom would never ever lie about something like that and Chris felt sick that he even considered that. 

It wasn’t until the next press conference when he got a question about whether or not Loki was evil and Tom had answered that no one was born evil but it was easy to become evil when someone had hurt as much as Loki had in his life.

And then he said the magical words that made the lights go on in Chris’s head.

“I believe that if someone had told Loki that the actions of others shouldn’t define who you are or how you feel we wouldn’t have had the Avengers basically.” 

Just because Tom had had horrible things happening to him didn’t mean that he had to act like he had had horrible things happening to him. Just because he was a victim didn’t mean he had to act like a victim. Tom was his own man in control of his own life and he had decided long ago that what he had been subjected to shouldn’t and wouldn’t rule over his life. 

After that insight Chris found that he could return to treating Tom like he had before the revelation. He had subconsciously began treating Tom like something fragile and felt disgusted with himself for that. Chris realized that just because he recently got to know about Tom’s assault didn’t mean the information was new to Tom. Tom had had 15 years to process what had happened, Chris had had 15 days. It would take longer than that to come to terms with what had happened but just like Tom he wouldn’t let this information control how he saw his friend. 

And with that he found that things returned to normal. He didn’t think about it. Tom didn’t think about it. He just made sure to never hug Tom from behind and not to mention Eton and there was like nothing had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is technically the last chapter. But, tomorrow I'm going to post a few scenes more I wrote on this but since I couldn't combine them with the rest of the story in a good way I decided to cut them out. 
> 
> Comments are lovely <3


	6. Deleted scenes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't really a part of the story but I figure that since I had them written and since I didn't hate them I could publish these scenes

During Tom’s remaining five roles as Loki there were two more panic attacks and one time when it was close. 

The first happened during the filming of Thor 2 when they were filming a fighting scene. Christopher Eccleston’s character was supposed to grab Loki and create a hostage situation, forcing Thor to choose between the life of his brother and the life of his lover, Jane. 

Everything had gone well during repetitions. They had slowly gone through the scene, their little fighting dances and when to shout lines. However, due to a misunderstanding, when they begun shooting Christopher had started his fighting sequence early, which meant that when he grabbed hold Tom the curly brit was only halfway through his sequence and no at all ready for suddenly having his an arm wrenched behind his back and a hand covering his mouth. 

Because Christopher was too early no one noticed the fault in choreography and because Loki was scripted to fight back Christopher didn’t realize that Tom’s flailing wasn’t acting but actual panic. 

When Kenneth Branagh finally yelled cut and Christopher released Tom no one was ready for the actor to collapse in a little heap on the ground, shaking with sobs. 

Kenneth was the first to act, calling out a break in filming and ordering the stage to be cleared. Chris was second, rushing forwards to Tom and helping him up and off the stage to a secluded place where he could calm down. 

Christopher had followed them, trying to apologize and wondering what had happened, lucky for Chris Kenneth came to his rescue, telling Christopher that: _no, he couldn’t be here right now, no, he couldn’t tell him what had happened_ and _Tom will tell you if he wants to._

When the director crouched down next to him Chris simply asked:

“You know?”

And when older man nodded in response before starting up breathing exercises with Tom Chris made a mental note of that and went to get a blanket and a glass of water, hoping that it would help Tom somehow. 

 

The second time it happened was during the London premiere of Avengers 2. They were all doing the red carpet thing. Chris was busy signing pictures of himself and his fellow actors and a few meters to his left Robert was doing the same and a few meters to his left Tom was also signing and so on and so on. 

His PA was urging him on making sure he wouldn’t get stuck somewhere. He had learnt over the years that no matter how much you wanted to you couldn’t sign everything. Luke, Tom’s PA, had a lot more trouble than Chris’s and was forced to physically drag Tom further down the red carpet in order to get him to move. 

Halfway down the carpet both Robert and Chris had caught up with Tom and Robert, being extremely used to this sort of things, had decided to jump the queue and proceeded in front of Tom. 

Three seconds after Robert had mumbled to Chris that the British queueing religion could go fuck itself and that he wasn’t going to be waiting for this Tom suddenly stumbled away from the crowd of screaming girls, a panicked look in his eyes. 

Before Chris could even react Luke had pulled Tom away from the media flashes and Robert had taken his place, winking and putting on a show for the fans. 

Chris didn’t see Tom during the movie and it wasn’t until much later that Luke told him and the other Avengers actors one of Tom’s bullies had come to the premiere, forced his way through the crowd, grabbed Tom by the arm and asked if he wanted to come to his place after the movie. Naturally Tom had panicked and had to be removed from the public. 

They were also told that Tom still hadn’t completely recovered, scared that, even though the bullies names had been blacklisted from ever attending any of Tom’s public appearances, they would find him and attack him.

If Chris happened to have “accidently” ordered way too much pudding the day after that and decided to share them with Tom nobody decided to call him out on it. And Tom, who was still pretty shaken, seemed pleased with the company and the dessert.

 

The last time was during the Thor 3 press conference and Tom got asked about the rumour of him losing his virginity when he went to Eton. When Tom hadn’t answered the reporter pushed, saying he had very reliable sources and wondering for how long Tom had been gay. Chris had watched with worried eyes as Tom’s breathing sped up and his hand compulsively began scratching his left palm. 

His brain had rushed through several disaster scenarios, all ending with the public knowing Tom’s secret, in a matter of seconds but to his and everyone else's surprise Jaimie Alexander, who played Sif, had came to Tom’s defences. Asking the reporter what made it okay for him to think he could ask someone about their sexuall life when he five minutes before had been bashed for asking her what underwear she could wear under her costume. 

The reporter had snorted, failed to answer and moped during the rest of the press conference. Tom hadn’t recovered during the rest of the appearance, acting a bit distant for the last quarter, but he didn’t panic and didn’t have to leave the room so Chris counted it a success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I you liked this story then check out my other story Hearts of Ice which will have a new chapter uploaded tomorrow :)
> 
> Comments are Lovely <3

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and feedback are very welcomed.


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